So I have been having an interesting week thus far. I was rather misdirected this weekend as my previous blog did indicate, and as a result – inline perfectly with God and the nature of God, of course iterated through the writings of Solomon (proverbs to those of you who are curious), I have reclaimed my relationship with God.

It was pretty simple actually, i just – after that last blog Full Circle published yesterday; did what I needed to do. Forgave myself (which is paramount) and then forgave those around me whom have hurt me – albeit in typical human ignorance. Then went to sleep.

The next morning I woke up and just gave God my life and my day and said, “I give my day and life to you, and ask you to move me as suits your will today.”

That’s it. Well ok maybe not “only” that as I did also then move and do the things that I needed to get accomplished without procrastination listening to the small voice that guides all of our conscience and intuition.  Of course there is a little bit of wisdom required, since any thought – no matter how soft – which comes from within our own ambitions, will tend to lead us down the wrong path.

In less than 24 hours, things have dramatically changed. Ok, so maybe this isn’t normal for most people, for whatever reason. However for me, as it was before between my 27th and 35th year, it was quite normal.

It’s sort of like this: You go into a bank and there is this long lineup and you’re in a hurry and you know that you will not make the rest of your appointments if you wait in this line, but you have to wait in this line to even begin performing the rest of the plans of the agenda. In God one would and should stand in line, and not try to by-pass it in selfish ambition (do not sit in the front of the assembly, lest the host ask you to move back to make room for someone of greater importance, and you are shamed. Better to sit in the back of a room and be called to the front so that you represent your God in humility and truth), and well that is pretty much what i did.

I stood at the end of this long line. Not griping, not anxious, not really thinking about it at all actually – having my mind captured with the plans and things of the day.

I wasn’t in line for even a moment when I was singled out and asked to come to sit at the desk. The individual said, “it’s a long line, so have a seat and we’ll see if we can help you.”

And so went the day, entirely.  It is nice that things are now going to move this way again.  Now, the thing to realize folks is that I actually wrote these blogs earlier and only published them on the respective publish dates. So in all truth, the events have been such since Monday.

All of the things that I have been reading in the proverbs have been coming to pass. If your heart is right with God then all your enemies will be at peace with you. So it has been. If you commit your day and your path to the Lord then he will make your way straight. So it has been.

Life is not complicated. People are complicated, and yes, just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. So it is so it will be. It’s not complicated.

Not that I’m trying to elevate my life above anyone else’s since the fact of the matter is simply that I am not any better than anyone else. I just live in faith and trust – even though at times, that in and of itself is stretched to the extreme of ability, wrought with doubt and anxiety.

You see folks, I stopped working – or rather, stopped being “employed” a few weeks back and it wasn’t a bad thing because if truth be told, I didn’t like that job. Not that the work in and of itself was that terrible, but rather it wasn’t challenging to me.  And more than anything my heart wasn’t in it. As a result I wasn’t giving my all, or even caring about it at all. That of course coupled with the lack of interest in any communication with God, completely dragged out my days.

I really shouldn’t have taken that position, simply because I needed a rest, not another job. I needed time to just recuperate, and relax, since I’ve not really had any time to do that in the last few years.

I’ve been on the go and running and moving, and if truth be told. Getting over a heartache from almost a decade ago.

Ok, for the record, and on a side note – as this is just me blathering my random dialogue to myself out loud on this page – anyone who has been in love, who actually listens to the clap trap garbage of “you should just get over it and move on” is slowly and methodically destroying their own soul. Because true love, no matter how it ends, takes a minimum of two years to reconcile and easily 5 years to just get over. And that is if it is a good relationship without any cause for ending – other than external factors not related to the individuals involved.

If it is a bad breakup with aspects of betrayal or infidelity, it can take quite a bit longer, though of course, it comes down to again the ability to forgive. forgiveness of self and forgiveness of the offending partner.

I’m grateful that my situation wasn’t the latter.. Though from my experience, if it is one of those situations, I recuperate much more quickly since I realize and accept and embrace that forgiveness isn’t an emotion or choice, but a commanded requirement for self survival.

I realize that people will disagree with me, but I have noticed that those who disagree with me, simply have issues with the whole concept of forgiveness.

you see, I can forgive someone and still be in massive pain over the situation. Pain and suffering isn’t nullified or irrelevant. How can it be right? But forgiveness is the only road to healing. An individual doesn’t even have to reconcile the situation and in some cases, if closure is not possible, forgiveness is still the only real ability toward freedom from the cage and ropes which bind a person up within that pain.

Because forgiveness requires a certain amount of acceptance of humanity. It doesn’t make oneself a martyr or overtly offended victim.  Self victimized rhetoric declares that “oh woe is me that I’m so valuable and decent as a person how could anyone else possibly just hurt me thus.”

Except that is completely imaginary. Since it is impossible for anyone to tell me that they have never hurt anyone. I will hurt people again. It is a pragmatic guarantee. I’m human. That is what human beings do.

I can love someone absolutely and desire nothing but the best for them and I can promise that – as a failed and self deprecating human being, I will again indeed without question or doubt – hurt someone.

As a result I know that it is going to happen to me as well.

I have heard, and I have no doubt at all that you who is reading this has even said the following phrase, “I don’t want to get hurt again.”

Well I want to tell you something. Enjoy your existence of denial. You live in an imaginary world. What you want is not even possible.

It MUST occur. Every semblance of pain is important to receive.  It’s how we learn folks.  So it isn’t something to avoid, rather it is something to realize will occur. Granted we’re not suppose to go around looking for it, and aren’t suppose to just hurt other people consciously and then tell them to buck up without guilt or acknowledgement, but at the same token what idiot would think that they are so worthy and so wonderful that they don’t deserve to be hurt?

I have this theory. If we do it. We deserve it when it happens to us. Period.

So actually for me, in the area of forgiveness, it is way easier to forgive other people when they hurt me because I realize that I’ve hurt people to, and in many ways, it allows me to accept my own frail human condition to forgive them their frail human condition – which again brings me back to forgiving oneself.

the only road to heaven.

After all, we live in a kingdom of conscience. And the conscience if lived in truth and accountability, requires acceptance of one’s own flaws, and loving oneself.

Remember that we are only capable of loving others, as we love ourselves. And if we’re busy counting and remembering all the hurts we’ve sustained and have not forgiven others, in order to forgive ourselves. Toward the ability to love ourselves, how are we even capable of loving others?

Something to think about folks.

How you are treated by others is a reflection of how you treat them. Because you are only capable of loving others to the level by which you love yourself.

I think that one of the reasons that I’m writing this is based upon so many of the conversations I’ve had in this last year. I haven’t met anyone yet that has said that they don’t want to hurt anyone else, and all who have said they don’t want to be hurt by anyone. While I don’t say either. What for? It is a ridiculous statement in and of itself because it is impossible to accomplish until we’re all transformed.

If you don’t think so, then take a look at what you speak. How many times have you said something negative about someone behind their backs. Still think you can’t hurt them?

Still think you deserve not to be hurt while you’re in the middle of hurting other people?

See the world as it is, not as you need it to be. For the kingdom of conscience is the kingdom of heaven.

enjoy

append: so it’s friday now… i’ve been too busy to publish this actually and in many ways it has so obviously reflected what I experienced all those years ago. It’s nice to have my heart back and God as my guide. All things are as they should be, since I’ve been blessed with good friends, and a clean directional clarity.