I have never in my life ever experienced fear. I have had anxieties, and doubts. The confusion and stress of not knowing what would happen or what path to take. But never have I felt fear.

Until now.

I find myself at a crossroads for the first time in my life, without an answer or direction or even hint of desire toward any movement forward. I have lost my desire and my interest in the things that make men move, strive and ambition.

I remember when I was 27 when I first found my focus and direction, which carried me through until my 35th year. Now it is 8 years later and I do not see the future toward any benefit either to others, or to myself.

All of the advice and consultation I have received – both invited and of course the plethora of unsolicited commentaries – have all been based on the simplicity of a temporary existence. Pursuit of wealth, material possessions, personal and prideful ambitions have been all that has been offered to me. All of that falling on deaf ears to me, since that is never where my heart has lived, or will live.

I think that is why I watched Kingdom of Heaven last night. I needed to see something again, to remind myself who and what I am, and what is it that I have as my foundation for every breath I take.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes and depart from evil. It shall be health to your belly, and marrow to your bones. [Proverbs 3: 5 - 8]

This verse was presented to me randomly tonight, and I am reminded of something simple. You know… when I was about to write this blog I felt quite a bit lost and hurting from that lack of guidance, and as I was absorbing those feelings and sensation I was buzzing the TV without any true focus, and that verse came on the television from one of those evangelical shows.

It occurred then; that I opened my bible to make sure I could post the verse set in my mind, though granted I expanded it to verse 8 rather than just verse 6. Because I read the first half of that particular chapter.

I remember a year ago that I asked God to return me to that place where I was when I was 27 to 35 and I had to realize something. That I would lose the desire for wealth and trappings. I would forsake what I considered foolishness and temporal pursuits. I have moved away from ideas and concepts which would be contrary to my heart and moral definitions, though not for the sake of judging others but rather; for the sake of measuring myself.

It is quite clear that I am now at that crossroad. That pinnacle decision, to once again put myself into that focus where God must be the all and everything of my entire being. Something that will never be acceptable to the majority and it will – especially in this city – limit my circle of friends.

The book of Proverbs has 31 chapters. That means that it is possible to read a chapter a day, based upon the date of that day. And I also read the chapter for today, and it was a reflection of the very thing that prompted an argument and contention with someone whom I love dearly. Yet, by reading that chapter, I was only confirmed as to why we had contention.

A righteous man hates lying; but a wicked man is loathsome, and comes to shame. [Proverbs 13:5]

That – as well as other verses – were what jumped out at me as that was the topic of contention today. I will not go into the details since it isn’t right to drop the contents of another person’s heart onto this blog, but suffice it to say to those of you whom do read these blog entries would realize – I abhor deceit. I will actually become angry and very proactive towards that type of attitude.

That situation though is a reflection of what has been occurring within my heart over this last year. I find that I can not any longer stomach or be exposed to that type of attitude – as it was those years before. Now what do I do about that?

Around me with every turn there will be lies, false representations, personal agendas toward selfish gain, acceptable compromise, with validations and repetitive justifications. It isn’t a possibility to hide from it and no opportunity to avoid the exposure to that type of characteristic or attitude.

I feel as Elijah did when he hid in the cave, overwhelmed by the evil of the priestess Jezebel, and yet, I also know that it serves me nothing to run and hide away from the rest of the world. That in and of itself will give power to the evil and say within me that my faith in the God whom I report is less than powerful and less than faithful. So I can’t actually see what it is that I’m to do now.

I know that I have to move forward, and I know that it is by my trust and my hope and by truth where I will find my peace and confidence. Since that is where my spirit has always been fully at peace.

I would like to say that God is no longer with me, but the truth of the matter is that I have not been with God. Accountability has a terrible way of forcing truth to the surface and as uncomfortable as it tends to be, it’s bitter taste is the purity towards the acceptance of it.  At least that is so for me.

So really, I guess I must now just reconcile that the losses that I’ve experienced in this last year, were for my betterment, and not to hurt me. But rather to separate me from the things which were keeping my attention away from the God whom I have abandoned.

It is true that the Kingdom of God is a kingdom of conscience. That God requires what is in my heart, and in my mind and in my spirit. That He desires my entirety, towards that relationship and then, all the rest will be given to me. Though again I realize that I know as I know that what others would consider “the rest” is to me, temporal – since to me “the rest” is a fullness of heart and spirit. The contentment of peace and quiet strength, gifted with knowledge and the understanding toward the wisdom within. All of which would then fill out my faith, through diligence. Through that faith, bringing virtue, leading me again to search for knowledge. Which then must bring understanding, and more so the understanding of the fullness of all of God’s attributes.

I know what I desire. I desire love, hope, peace, grace and the ability to give away the overflow of what it is that I receive in those areas.

So, as I realize that I can not change anyone, but only God can do that, and the areas where I have been hurting toward the person whom I love is in their pride.

Because God has said,

Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord: though hand joins in hand, he shall not be unpunished. [Proverbs 16:5]”

and yet again,

“Better is a little with righteousness, then great revenues without right.[Proverbs 16:8]”

and again,

“How much better it is to get wisdom than gold! And to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver. [Proverbs 16:16]“

So my faith is not as it was before, those years ago, toward the confidence to again let God rule every aspect of my life, where I can hear him again, being guided in all my thoughts and actions. Though I do truly remember that I really had no need for anything. That all things were given to me, without effort or striving or ambition. As all the time of those events, I was only truly interested in seeing the fruition of God touching other people through His spirit, whenever He allowed it to flow through me.

Knowing that to the majority it would define me as insane. After all, most people do not even listen to or hear the voices and hearts of those people around them, whom they say they love. So how would they be able to hear the voice of an invisible God whom they do not know?

That is the joy of the only ambition I can say that I have, in spite of the apprehension I have now – these 8 years later – towards living that life again – and the doubt of the inevitable solitude in the middle of the busiest gathering, since collectively no one is hearing, and even less are listening to each other – as I will again be approached with questions about an entity which I did not express toward a conversational invitation – from those same people who are not hearing, or listening.

So Lord, I have one simple request. I need you to give those who know me, and those who love me, whom know you as I do, to be given the right prayer to enable my return home, back to you. To give me your grace and favour again, for the sake of what it is that you desire to accomplish through my life toward others, and to return the peace and joy to my heart, exposing all those traps that have robbed me of the joy and fullness of the relationship we had once before, so that I can forgive others, and forgive myself; being able to once again, share the faith, love, hope, and peace because you live within me again. amen.

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